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Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I Am Fine!

"It feels great to watch the flowers breathe.............It's wonderful for me as a person to live life without any baggage on my head or in my heart." [Rahul Bose, actor and director]
I have always lived life on my own terms. Though the aforementioned words of Rahul Bose (whom I admire a lot) resonate with my own feelings, my philosophy in life has had more to do with compulsion and less with choice.
I have always loved the private space, being an introverted person. Most of the times I have kept my little sorrows and my little joys to myself. People like me, who survive, but do not essentially live life, are the ones who are taken for granted by their friends, by their near and dear ones, in fact by everyone around them. Our wishes hardly count. Our dreams are not worth living up to. Our fulfilment does not matter for those who pretend to be our well-wishers.
Yet I have at least felt blessed, well, most of the times. I know that it is a supreme blessing to live, to breathe the air and to walk on this earth. I have often gone out of my way to help others, extended a warm hand to one who asked for it, lent a patient ear to one who poured his/her heart out making me listen to their troubles - on such occasions I have really felt privileged. But never ever did I vent my angst, my grudge, my complaints; never thought of doing so, as I feel so small even to think of doing so. When I felt betrayed, when I felt being used - all I did was to cry in solitude. But I have never looked back in anger or in regret.
I have all along been a laidback person - one who has never been ambitious, but that doesn't mean I never had dreams! I have loved and lost. I have felt destroyedin love. And again and again love has blossomed in this heart of mine. Relationships may be complicated, but true love - selfless, yet passionate love - is so very simple and genuine an emotion. Emotional baggage only comes with expectations that one might have trying to put love in the framework of relational conventions. I am happy at present to be bereft of all that. I can float. I can afford to watch the flowers bloom, not having to bother about setting up a nice bouquet nor to pity on the eventuality of withering flowers. I hate to see myself in the race of life. Call me non-commital if you please, deride my pursuits if you can derive ample pleasure from the task. But trust me, when I say that I feel happy, contented, liberated.
Borrowing from Rahul Bose's film title, I want to say, I Am Fine, really!


arpita sharma said...

It is a fine balance that we have to achieve between our public and our profesional selves and the associated aspirations and demands. And when we are able to do that mythical thing called Living for the Moment, we can really say 'We are doing fine!'. Else, it is yet another excuse to look the other way when we see decay, degeneration and decline in the quality of life that we are living.

aarav said...

Sometimes it's easier to hide what you feel, sometimes it's easier to pretend you are happy, sometimes it's easier to push everyone else away!