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Sunday, April 19, 2009

My weaknesses..........

No one is comfortable dissecting one's own weaknesses. But here I am attempting to do just that.
I know that one of my biggest weakness is that I perceive my insecurities & threats as a bit more magnified than they are. I often feel as if I'm on my own. Vulnerable. Ready to be exploited, battered, bruised.
Well, guess what? As a result of my persecution complex I do have to go it alone in reality too!
Crazily romantic that I am, I keep looking for that special someone to watch over me, like a loving parent or soulmate. And I keep looking at all the wrong places!
I do get scared, i do feel lonely. That's the reason, I am always on the lookout for someone, real or virtual, to protect me with loving arms.
I have at times felt abandoned and without hope. My negative vibes set me up for the bad news in the real world too. The external jolt brings me to my knees.
Perhaps I never felt properly mothered. That's how my shrink had put it once. She mentioned in particular that this weakness of mine, needing someone to lean on, often complicates things, and brings in its wake other weaknesses too. Yes, I know, in spite of being an adult, sometimes I feel like a lost child. And sometimes I feel that the people around me, who are largely insensitive, else desensitized, are getting a kick out of seeing me suffer or seeing me writhe in pain. 

My perception as regards what I feel is lost or amiss, as analysed by my shrink, is as follows:
My parents probably did the best they could, but I wasn't fully supported in a way that encouraged me to follow my dreams and prosper. I needed a parent who would take me by the hand and give me unconditional support.

I feel that the love I need to fill up that gaping hole inside should not be searched for in others..... rather, I should find the love I have inside, despite feeling ravaged and brutalized.
With this very realization, everything in life becomes easier. I try to feel taken care of by my own healing love, so that I attempt to put all of my energy into the things I'd like to acquire and accomplish.
It looks like 2009 is going to be a challenging year, especially on the personal front, as regards my relationships are concerned. Yet, I am braving the odds, fighting them head on, with a wilful perception of a sense of safety that may have eluded me in the past. I do not deride my weaknesses, my flaws; nonetheless I am trying my level best to battle & surmount them.
I know, I will feel hopeful again.


Neeraj said...

All of us forget how bad and imperfect people can be in the real world until we are ourselves at the receiving end. Until our trust is broken, our faith is tarnished, and we feel helplessly betrayed.
One of the mere ways to find the truth about our inherent failings is to question what we had set out to do in the first place, and what held us, tied us down, kept us from achieving our goals.
Some things in life may appear to be very far from reality, when we delude ourselves with romantic ideas. The idea of imagining that a certain situation that is far from control is a very little possibility. However, one may act in a certain way in hope that it can change, that a human being with the support of others can make a difference when it is recognised that most problems are not capable of being solved with a single gesture...!

Indraneil Bhattacharya said...

well.i think I myself am..my weakness. aren't we all? Its we only who set up some basic facts stored as weakness and become afraid of them..
May be being emotional..or having a tendency to trust people..can be considered,infact count in that fact like we live in the world of dreams..(which is not practical and bad according to some intelligent real world people)
but I see no harm in it..till people come,utilize this,
destroy and leave you alone..Or its our weakness again that we cant be rude even if we wish to, to show a NO ENTRY board for all who live to break us..The filtering is tough..to let in correct people..specially when you know you yourself aint a correct person..so a big No to predict..No matter what this TRAUMA weakness is..
has a bad power to kill us inside..
if it gets the chance..
so..just to feel safe side..a big NO for any further "TRUST" step..
yes. They will call me selfish. They will call me an arrogant.. but may be if I kill this thing I might feel good..nightmares might not be able to haunt me anymore .. pointing out I am falling forever..and how weak I am..