No one is comfortable dissecting one's own weaknesses. But here I am attempting to do just that.
I know that one of my biggest weakness is that I perceive my insecurities & threats as a bit more magnified than they are. I often feel as if I'm on my own. Vulnerable. Ready to be exploited, battered, bruised.
Well, guess what? As a result of my persecution complex I do have to go it alone in reality too!
Crazily romantic that I am, I keep looking for that special someone to watch over me, like a loving parent or soulmate. And I keep looking at all the wrong places!
I do get scared, i do feel lonely. That's the reason, I am always on the lookout for someone, real or virtual, to protect me with loving arms.
I have at times felt abandoned and without hope. My negative vibes set me up for the bad news in the real world too. The external jolt brings me to my knees.
Perhaps I never felt properly mothered. That's how my shrink had put it once. She mentioned in particular that this weakness of mine, needing someone to lean on, often complicates things, and brings in its wake other weaknesses too. Yes, I know, in spite of being an adult, sometimes I feel like a lost child. And sometimes I feel that the people around me, who are largely insensitive, else desensitized, are getting a kick out of seeing me suffer or seeing me writhe in pain.
My perception as regards what I feel is lost or amiss, as analysed by my shrink, is as follows:
My parents probably did the best they could, but I wasn't fully supported in a way that encouraged me to follow my dreams and prosper. I needed a parent who would take me by the hand and give me unconditional support.
I feel that the love I need to fill up that gaping hole inside should not be searched for in others..... rather, I should find the love I have inside, despite feeling ravaged and brutalized.
With this very realization, everything in life becomes easier. I try to feel taken care of by my own healing love, so that I attempt to put all of my energy into the things I'd like to acquire and accomplish.
It looks like 2009 is going to be a challenging year, especially on the personal front, as regards my relationships are concerned. Yet, I am braving the odds, fighting them head on, with a wilful perception of a sense of safety that may have eluded me in the past. I do not deride my weaknesses, my flaws; nonetheless I am trying my level best to battle & surmount them.
I know, I will feel hopeful again.